Why Mom's hate the word, "Mommy."

The first moment your son or daughter can say, "mama", is the moment your heart melts as a parent. Its like the first time your husband-to-be says, "I love you" times 1 million. You realize as soon as this tiny voice says it that you are in fact not only their mom but you are responsible for them, they look at you different from everyone else, you are their everything. You beam with joy and cannot stop smiling and immediately tell everyone who is listening that they finally said, "mama." 

Then they start becoming a toddler, being able to say more words and maybe "mama" turns into "mommy". And then at some point in their life - they say it for everything. There are some times they even say, "mommy" instead of um ... or hello ... or excuse me .... or just asking the damn question they have for you! 

The worst part about it is when you say, "what?" its still never good enough for them. The usually conversation with these manics goes something like this ... 

"Mommy? Mommy? Mommy?"
"Yeah?"
"Mommy?"
"what?"
"mom?"
"WHAT?!"
"Can I have a drink?"
"Yes ..."
"Mommy?"
"What?"
"Can you get me a drink?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
(zoning off in tv land ....)
"Emerson! What do you want?"
(still watching ...) 
(Me - giving up) 
"Mommy? Mommy?"
"What?"
"Wheres my drink?"

And that conversation is the conversation we have about a million times a day. The worst conversations are the ones in the car. 

"Mommy?"
(me wondering why the fuck they just don't start talking - there is no one else here to address) "Yeah?"
"Mommy ... "
"What?"
"Where are we going?"
"The store"
"Mommy?"
"Yeah ..."
"Can I have a cookie when we are there?"
"Sure"
"Mommy?" 
(Trying to ignore her just to see if she stops talking - huge mistake)
"Mommy? mommy? mommy?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I bring in my stuffed animal into the store?"
"Maybe"
"Mommy?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you get me a drink?"

There are also times where your husband helps out .... 

"Mommy?"
husband - "Yeah Emerson, what do you need?"
"Mommy?"
husband - "What do you need? can daddy help?"
"Mommy?"
"what?"
"I am hungry"
"ok tell daddy what you want."
"mommy?"
"What?"
"I want mac and cheese."
"Ok have daddy go fix it for you"
"Daddy?"
husband - "yeah?"
"mommy will make me some mac and cheese."

The daddy's of the world try to step in but according to these littles, they are never good enough. There are times too that I will say their name when they say my name. Then it ends up being a battle of who can go the longest. 

"Mommy?"
"Emerson?"
"Mommy?"
"Emerson?"
"MOMMY!!!"
"Emerson?"
(zones off and forgets she needs something...)
(I am so happy that I won that battle only to have her say mommy 30 seconds later) 

Then there are the phone conversations. As soon as you become a mother, everyone needs to just realize that if they call you for one specific thing, it will take at least one hour for you to get whatever they need out of your mouth. 

*phone rings*
(after running around looking under toys, blankets and actual kids, I find my phone)
"Hello?"
"Hey! What are you ...."
"HEY!! DON'T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH! what you say?"
"Oh I was just asking what you are doing today...."
"Oh! yeah, we are probably going to target later ... STOP HITTING HIM! THAT IS HIS!"
"That's fun. I love me some target. The other day I spend so much money on clothes and ..."
"SERIOUSLY .... IF YOU HIT HIM ONE MORE TIME YOU ARE GOING TO TIME OUT. Yeah ... what are you doing today?"
"Not sure, was calling to see if you wanted to get dinner this week..."
"Oh my god - yes I need away from these crazy animals. DEKLAN! WHY ARE YOU CRYING? STOP TEASING HIM WITH THAT TOY!"
"Cool! what day works best?"
(in the background .... "Mommy?! Mommy?!")
"MOMMY IS ON THE PHONE ... PLEASE WAIT TILL I AM OFF..... I AM NOT WIPING YOUR BUTT - YOU ARE OLD ENOUGH! Um ... wait, what?"
"What day works best for you?"
"Oh probably any day, I will check with the boss man. (background ... "Mommy? Mommy?") I SAID I AM ON THE PHONE!!"
"Ok, why don't you call me back when you find out ...."
"Yeah, sounds good"
(never call back because friends with no kids don't get it.) 


Then there is the classic - mom to mom phone conversation that is just amazeballs. 

"Hello?"
"Hey! Whats going on!!"
"Oh nothing ... Just getting ready to feed the kids ... I SAID I AM MAKING IT!"
"Ugh ... My kids never eat. I mean ... how are they still alive?! NO - I CAN'T PLAY TEA PARTY WITH YOU, I AM ON THE PHONE!"
"God - they are the worst. (background .... "Mommy?") HOLD ON - LET ME FINISH WITH THIS PHONE CALL THEN I WILL HELP YOU."
"Do you want to try to do a play date later? JUST PLAY TEA WITH YOUR BEARS UNTIL I AM OFF THE PHONE!"
"Yep! I just have to make sure Deklan naps today or he will become the Hulk and ruin my day.... "
"Totally! Ok, well call me later to see how the kids are feeling.... DID YOU FILL UP THIS TEA POT WITH ALL THIS WATER? WHY IS THERE THE BIGGEST MESS EVER IN HERE?!"
(waits till she is done with her little ...) "Dude .... tea parties are the worst. Why do we buy them toys we loathe so much?! (background, "Mommy?") YES YOUR WAFFLE IS ALMOST DONE"
"Seriously ... I want to throw away every toy. NO - MOMMY IS NOT THROWING AWAY YOUR TOYS .... ok, I have to go play tea party. Call me later."
"Ok, I am going to go finish Mutt and Stuff and then slowing rip my eyeballs out. I AM COMING!! ok ... bye!"
"Bye!"


We all love the word "mommy" because one day they will never say "mommy" it will be "mom" and they won't want to say it or call you because they have their own lives. But for the love of God - its so annoying. Then you have a 2 year old that can start saying it!! And he won't just say "mommy?" he will say, "mom mom mom mom mom mom!!" 

Thank God these two are so damn cute and that I do love being a mom. But someone stick a knife in my eye if I have to hear MOMMY? one more time today!!! 

Bachelorette JOJO - Men Tell All

Men Tell All!!

Ahhh - yes ... the episode where the contestants all come back and talk shit about each other or try to save face because we have all seen the season in almost its entirety and we all know how these douche bags have acted. 

First off ... lets talk about the guy in the kilt. Why was he on?! I don't even remember his name as I type this. Dave? Bob? Anyway - the ones they bring back that were voted off in the first couple of weeks really does not make any sense ... but alas - here we are. 

Second off ... who here would love to be in a room of guys you made out with, them falling for you and worst off - all of them knowing that you did that with the guy to their right? Not me. I would rather go find Pokemon in a random park with a creepy guy that is holding a knife. 

There are so much things to talk about but first - The Chad. There are no words for him except that he is clueless about life. He even at one point said that he deceased mother would have laughed at his behavior giving him a high five. Which might be true because he is a total ass. I did think it was weird when Nick B. (the guy that dressed up like Santa) took off his coat to come down to the stage to say he would fight him. Thanks Nick! Thank God you took off your coat to show you mean business! He talks about how he is now dating Grants and Robby's ex GF's which is weird but also says that the two guys broke up with their ex's for the show - which who knows if that is true. All the guys tell him what an ass he was on the show and he pretty much makes a joke of all of it. The best joke was the security guard. Seriously ABC? 

Luke and Colorado Chad talk about their breakups and how hard it was and once JOJO comes out on the set - they both ask her what the fuck happened!! She pretty much said - you guys said LOVE and I freaked the fuck out and chose the two douches that said it first. 

Chad chimes in saying her two choices are dumb and that, again, Robby broke up with his GF to go on the show and that Jordan just wants air time and that his own brother won't even talk to him. She said she could "go off" but she doesn't want to waste her breath on him and in the back of her head she is thinking .... Well fuck. 

Can't wait for next week where we finally get to see which one of the jacksticks she picks.

Bachelorette JOJO - Fantasy suit dates

Bachelorette episode 9 - Fantasy Suites 

We start off the episode with JOJO in that silky blue dress crying about which guy to send home. She sticks with her gut and boots off the country man from Texas, Luke. He is in total shock - and he cannot even look JOJO in the eyes. Wonder if his spray tan will hold up if he sheds some tears. He keeps saying that this is not supposed to happen - and if only this was an episode of Punked - he would be right. But it is, so get your ass in the limo so we can get on with the other heartbreaks. 

The first lucky man to get a chance to "cuddle" JOJO in the fantasy suite is Robby. They get some massages that do not have any happy endings at the end - unlike the fantasy suites. They do to dinner where Robby - whom sounds like a girl by the way - talks about how he is not like the guys from her past. Lets talk about his profession... former competitive swimmer. He was never in the olympics ... how does one be a competitive swimmer if they never end up in the olympics? He has to be hoping that he comes in first or second place because ABC pays them... 
JOJO gives him the FS card and he excepts, lights out and they obviously do each other. The next morning they are all super goo-goo gaa-gaa all over breakfast and this is the first time I see them eat.... ever. She leaves and he tries to get his morning boner down. 

Next up is Jordan. They end up hiking - which lets be honest, its a terrible date. They are all sweaty and tired afterwards. Its kind of a boring date because they can't kiss each other they just stare at each other real close. 
At dinner JOJO asks him where he sees himself in a year ... he can't say, reporting sports because now everyone knows Aaron Rodgers little bro from the show, so he says he doesn't know but he hopes she is in his life. BLAH. She gives him the FS card and off they go. Into JOJO's cave. HA! See what I did there?! Next morning is the same - JOJO looks amazing which is horse shit. 

Colorado Chase - my fav! - is up next and he just looks adorbs. They play around in the fish market and he shows his fun and funny side and she laughs like she actually has a fun personality. During their break before dinner - I did not know there was breaks, maybe just to get ready? But why is Colorado Chase just sitting in the sand building sand castles? - JOJO gets a knock on her door and clever editing we all think its Colorado Chase - except for me. Ha. Oh look who it is - Robby. My least favorite. He talks about how he is in love with her even more - blah blah blah. He leaves and its dinner time for Colorado Chase. 
They eat dinner and she gives him the FS card and he is in. They are in the FS and he is letting her know that he is, in fact, in love with her. As soon as he says it she looks like she is going to throw up everywhere and leaves poor Colorado Chase to his own thoughts. She comes back pretty much to say the feelings are not the same and that his journey to find love is over. He doesn't take it well, which I agree with him on, and he goes home. 

Rose Ceremony 

Obviously its just Jordan and Robby and when JOJO starts coming down the stairs they know somethings up - No Colorado Chase. She tells the two that Colorado Chase is gone and that he was angry, just to have him walk up and ask JOJO to take a minute to talk with him. He is a class act and tells her that he is sorry for the way he acted and he wishes her happiness. At that point, I would have married him. She is left with Robby who JUST broke up with his GF and Jordan who does not have a relationship with his brother who is a star and really wants to be famous. Two stupid choices. I give her and whomever she chooses 6 months. 

Bachelorette JOJO - Hometown dates

Bachelorette Episode 8 - Hometown dates

I love me some home town dates - this is when you really get to see who is really bat shit crazy because you can't hide crazy around your family. 

First Hometown - 

Colorado Chase

Now - obviously this is going to be my favorite because its in Colorado - woop woop! The scenery is the best of Colorado - which is our amazing mountain views - but that is not where Chase lives. He lives in Highlands Ranch, a town full of stay at home moms, Starbucks at every turn, and a big ass Ikea. 

Anyway - they start off on a mountain top and I giggle because there is so much snow. They have hot coco and Colorado Chase talks about his parents that had a nasty divorce and telling her that is why he has been so slow to get into this whole JOJO love affair. 

They go back to his house which - YEP! that is your typical cookie cutter Highlands Ranch home. Its adorable. They have his dad over since its still an ugly relationship between his parents and his dad just gives them advice, they have him leave and now they go to his moms house. 

They house is in the richer Highlands Ranch part - beautiful home. They all pretend to have dinner, all go separate ways to talk to each other, Colorado Chase even sheds a tear - and then the night is over. He walks her out and finally says that he is falling in love with her. 

Second Hometown - 

Jordan 

They start off this hometown of Chico California at his high school. Which is weird. The last thing I would want to do is take someone to my high school. He never had a GF in high school which is also weird but then I remember he is Aaron Rodgers bro and he got all the ass while poor Jordan tried to be like big bro. Can we talk about Jordan's hair? It is a reverse mullet and its so floopy that he has to keep touching it. JOJO tries to ask him about his brother but Jordan says its a non-topic. I am with JOJO on this one - what happened?!!? We have to know!!! 

They go to his family's house and his mom loves JOJO's laugh and seems to just think she is the best. JOJO asks the other brother, Luke about Aaron and he dismisses it as well. This whole home town is a mystery!! Everyone seems to get along and the night is over, realizing that we did not find out about Aaron Rodgers and why he is a huge dick. 

Third Hometown - 

Robby 

We go south to St. Augustine Florida, where Robby takes them on a carriage ride pointing out the history of this town. They talk over drinks about his ex and if she has anything to worry about and he says no. 

They go to his parents house and they all seem like a normal family. His mom warns Robby that his ex's roommate is spreading rumors that he broke up with her for the show, which is not true according to Robby when he told JOJO about this. She seems nervous about all of it - but he calms her down just before they have to say goodbye. 

Last Hometown - 

Luke 

They get to go back to her hometown of Texas. They go to a family and friends reunion where there is like 50 plus people there and JOJO is overwhelmed but does a good job of getting along with everyone. After the cluster of the big ass family and friends, they go on a horse back ride to a hay couch. After that, he takes her to a path with a heart at the end and tells her she has her heart. 

Rose Ceremony 

JOJO is stressed and has no idea what she is doing, but she is nailing that dress she is in - she is beautiful. She is going to send Luke home and right before she says the first name, Luke needs to talk to her. He tells her that he is falling in love with her and that he didn't say it at the hometown which he regrets. You can see it in her face that she is thinking ... WELL SHIT!! So he walks back to line up and she goes the other way being even more confused. She cries and the words TO BE CONTINUED popped up making me say out loud, COME ON!! 

So .... TBC .... 

Bachelorette JOJO - Episode 7

Bachelorette Episode 7 recap.... 

We start off with the drama off last episode - where JOJO gave both Jamestaylor and Short Alex a rose instead of sending one of them home. Short Alex is all pissed off about it and feels like there was more of a connection for him to just get a rose without the drama. 

Date card comes and first up is ... Short Alex. 

First One on one - 

Short Alex

They start the date off road-trip style and JOJO helps him into his booster chair. They play around like they are brother and sister and I can immediately tell she is not into him. 

Back at the hotel - 

The guys have to get on a bus and it kind of looks like a tour bus of some sort. They all talk about how much fun they are having and how JOJO must not be having any fun. They even have a song about it which makes me look for a pen to stick in my eye. 

Back on the one on one - 

Still a boring ride - Short Alex even raps for JOJO - keeping in mind JOJO rhymes with everything. They finally get to the destination which is basically a ranch. They change into these Argentina rancher clothes - and pretty sure JOJO is wearing more of a runway outfit then getting her all muddy outfit. They go horse back riding and ended with a nice horse spoon session before their dinner. 

They talk about who she would meet if he gets to bring her home next week and the guy is just talking about who knows what. You can see it in her face that she is not into it. He tells her he loves her and the breaks are pumping! Red flag! She is just not into it and she sends him home in a beat up truck. He is pissed. Mostly because he needed a ladder to get in the truck. 

Second one on one -

Jordan 

They start off in a private jet to go wine tasting. They do the whole bit of stomping grapes with their feet - end up drinking their feet wine and then soak in a big tub. At dinner they litterally push the food away and just start talking about Jordans family and how he is actually not close to Aaron Rogers afterall so now I am upset because we won't get to see him on the bachelorette. He says he is falling in love - she is happy ... I am not a fan of Jordan but he is clearly a front runner according to the other guys. 

Group date - 

Jamestaylor

Colorado Chase

Robby 

Its pouring rain so they decide to kick it at a hotel room. They get junk food and this is the first time ever I have seen someone eat on a date. Jamestaylor puts like 82 french fries in his mouth to make him look disgusting and he almost vomits all over JOJO. They play all sorts of games - I am sure ABC had a ton of footage to go through on all the stupid shit they did on this date. They all have a little time one on one and all of them think they are confident to get a rose. Jamestaylor tells JOJO that Robby is eye humping all sorts of Argentina women and he gets upset ... but towards the end of the date - they are all cuddling in one bed watching the Argentina bachelor and everyone is cuddling everyone. She ends up giving Robby the rose and he is way too confident since his hair literally looks like an oceans wave. 

Second one on one - 

Luke 

They start horse back riding and apparently Luke knows how to ride horses so he is kind of giving her the ropes on how to ride a horse. They end up at a shooting range and since he is from Texas he hits every disc. JOJO's turn and the gun is bigger than she is and again, Luke is giving her the ropes on shooting. 100% Texan. 

The guys are shocked that Luke is back so early and he breaks the news that there is no cocktail party that its just the rose ceremony. So ... here we go. 

Guys who have a rose - 

Robby (can we all agree that he might be gay? not that there's anything wrong with that ... )

Guys who get a rose -

Luke 

Jordan 

Colorado Chase 

HELL YEAH!! I typed those before she announced them - in that order!! Let's just say JOJO is my soulmate. 

Swimming diapers are just the worst.

Have you guys been to the pool with your little that is not potty trained and put on those stupid swim diapers only to hate every single minute of them? Of course you have - and that is because they are the worst things ever. 

Ok lets be real - swimming with the littles is so exhausting as is - and there is so much you have to do. Get swim suits on, make sure you have towels, hats, sunglasses, change of clothes, lunch, diapers, swim diapers, a shit ton of wipes because they are so sticky all the time in the summer, and of course sunscreen. Applying sunscreen on them is like wresting an alligator that has been soaking in olive oil. Then they act like you are putting acid all over their skin and screaming bloody murder... No? Just my kid? Well - either way ... its the worst. And not to mention that you have to apply every two hours. My kids are mixed with Irish and Dutch so that means they will burn just by looking outside our kitchen window. After the sunscreen and after a couple of hours playing in the pool - you have lunch and then at some point you should change that dreadful swim diaper. I usually wait till we are done with swimming even those damn diapers don't last after the first piss the kid takes. 

Then they poop. For the love of god .... they poop. So you check their diaper and if you are lucky you just see a fresh solid poo and you can literally grab out of their diaper and throw it in the trash. Not that I have ever done that. But then there are sometimes awful, terrible poops that you just want to spray the 50 SPF in your eyes. So far this summer ... here are the poops I have had to deal with. And those who know my son - know that he poops like clockwork and its never consistent of being solid so its like a gamble every diaper change. 

1. Magical disappearing poop
I pull my son out of the kiddie pool only to see him dripping brown liquid out of his swim trunks. Well fuck. So I take off his trunks only to see that Nemo on his swim diaper is covered in brown. So you take off the diaper and its not even heavy - its just brown. Where the fuck did this poo go? Every other kid is swimming in this magical poop that is just gone. I look up and there is a girl with her mouth in the water just drinking it. I can't ... I start to gag. Can't handle it .... 
I use a wipe but there is no poop to wipe up because its just .... well - its in the pool. I know he pooped. His diaper is brown and it smells like poop. And now - every other kid that is swimming in my sons feces, including my daughter. 

2. The wet poop that likes to get out of the swim trunks asap
Another time - I change my son and all of a sudden a big turd just falls out of the swim diaper. One time I didn't even know it and stepped in it later. You think its the magical disappearing poop but its just a poop that likes to hop out and say surprise! These diapers are so thin and practically like newspaper around their junk - so needless to say - the poop doesn't stay in. 

3. The sticky diarrhea everywhere poop
This one is by far the worst. Obviously... I mean there is so much poop but its not even liquid its like chocolate frosting that you smear all over a delicious cake. You don't even have enough wipes to get it all. 

Ok - so swimming diapers suck .... But what about the cloth swimming diapers. Oh No! They are just as bad.... Maybe worse if you have a shits every minute type of kiddo like I do. Not really sure why I even put that one on him - Its amazing when he just pees and you also feel good about the environment for like a half a second. 

So last time I put one on him ... I dealt with poop number 3. We were at a splash park - which doesn't even require a swim diaper if you know they are not gonna get all the way wet. But - I saw it, put it on and off we went. 
I checked him after awhile and saw that massive poop staring up at me and I said - "Well shit." Yes. Yes it is shit. So I contemplate changing him the rest of the time we were there in my head. My wipes are in the car - we were running late and I forgot to throw them in my bag. So I look around for other moms that would have wipes - usually ones with just one kid because they always have their shit together. Now ... do I change him here or just wait to get to the car where my wipes are? I decide there because I have to clean out this cloth swim diaper which makes me mad that I put that one on him in the first place. 
So I ask the mom behind me and she, of course as the unspoken code of mom - we have each others backs no matter what, opened up there wipes and says - "take as many as you need!" I should have grabbed the entire box and ran - but I decided to take two. Then I said, "Nope - one more!" We smiled at each other and I am off to the bathroom. 
I lay him on the changing table .... First lets get something straight. My son is 2 1/2 years old - I was going to potty train him this summer but we are so on the go all the time - I am waiting. So these koala changing tables are not very big for the older not-so-potty-trained kids. Anyway - I take off his swim trunks. Now here is the issue. His cloth swim diaper is a little too small so its real hard to get off. So I decide to stand him up on the table to shimmy the diaper down .... easy .... easy .... He thinks he can help so he puts up one of his legs to get it out of the diaper but - GASP! Take it easy Deklan!! Well ... now he has poop on his leg and foot. So I do a speed round of getting this thing off, like ripping a band-aid off, and now I have it in my hand and remember, its like chocolate frosting all over the diaper. So I am holding up Deklan with my left hand and holding the shit frosting in the other .... so I throw it on the floor - Shit frosting side up. 
I lay him back down but it was one of those shits that kind of went up his back .... So the table is now covered with a little bit of this shit frosting. I have THREE wipes to work with. First wipe ... I wipe his butt. Running out of wipe .... I flip it over to use the other side after folding the shit frosting in the wipe ... Still not great but got most of his butt. Second wipe ... I wipe up his leg that got poop on it - along with his foot ... NOPE feet that has shit all over them too. I am down to one more wipe and he still needs his creases wiped .... used that last wipe and it was still not great. Put his fresh diaper on - which has a little poop on the outside from the table. I quickly get his shorts on and put him down. The whole don't touch anything speech comes out and now I have a cloth diaper full of shit frosting on the floor and I have no idea what to do. I have an idea! I will wash them in the toilet! Nope ... bathroom with the table has pee in it along with a ton of toilet paper, and the other one was clogged with who knows what. I start to panic. What do I do? At this point - I think of just throwing the diaper away and just calling it a loss. No .... my dumbass decides to try to wash it in the sink. Nothing is coming off this diaper. It is caked on there. I get it closer to the faucet head - and ... some of the shit frosting comes off on the faucet!! NO!!! I rub the cloth diaper together and clumps of it comes off ... But its not going down the drain because its so thick. I quickly just keep going because at this point - its all going to be stuck in the sink because of the drain. And its the only sink in the bathroom. So there is no other option for people that want to wash their hands after their pee. So I throw the diaper back on the floor which is just a brown mess. I got most of the caked on shit but its like a C- type of job. I wash my hands. I go to the dryer and turn it on and realize my son is no where to be found ... Oh phew. There he is - but he is in one of the stalls. DEKLAN!! Remember my don't touch anything speech?! I get him out, put the diaper in his swim trunks and fold it up. I feel like I need to take 21 showers in a row. I leave the bathroom thanking the gods above me that no one came in after me, and if anyone did - I would put on an accent and pretend I am this kids nanny and I have no idea what I am doing. (Not that all nanny's would be like that - in fact they would be WAY better than me. Just saying ... wouldn't want to admit that I am the mom - and in fact I have been a mom for 4 years now)

I come out of the bathroom - admit this to my sister, but totally down play it. She asked why I didn't just use the toilets and I told her they were to gross - so instead I make a mud bath in the sink for the other people needing to wash up. It's totally fine. People make sure their kids shit is everywhere for others to enjoy. Damn. I am the worst.