Have you guys been to the pool with your little that is not potty trained and put on those stupid swim diapers only to hate every single minute of them? Of course you have - and that is because they are the worst things ever.
Ok lets be real - swimming with the littles is so exhausting as is - and there is so much you have to do. Get swim suits on, make sure you have towels, hats, sunglasses, change of clothes, lunch, diapers, swim diapers, a shit ton of wipes because they are so sticky all the time in the summer, and of course sunscreen. Applying sunscreen on them is like wresting an alligator that has been soaking in olive oil. Then they act like you are putting acid all over their skin and screaming bloody murder... No? Just my kid? Well - either way ... its the worst. And not to mention that you have to apply every two hours. My kids are mixed with Irish and Dutch so that means they will burn just by looking outside our kitchen window. After the sunscreen and after a couple of hours playing in the pool - you have lunch and then at some point you should change that dreadful swim diaper. I usually wait till we are done with swimming even those damn diapers don't last after the first piss the kid takes.
Then they poop. For the love of god .... they poop. So you check their diaper and if you are lucky you just see a fresh solid poo and you can literally grab out of their diaper and throw it in the trash. Not that I have ever done that. But then there are sometimes awful, terrible poops that you just want to spray the 50 SPF in your eyes. So far this summer ... here are the poops I have had to deal with. And those who know my son - know that he poops like clockwork and its never consistent of being solid so its like a gamble every diaper change.
1. Magical disappearing poop
I pull my son out of the kiddie pool only to see him dripping brown liquid out of his swim trunks. Well fuck. So I take off his trunks only to see that Nemo on his swim diaper is covered in brown. So you take off the diaper and its not even heavy - its just brown. Where the fuck did this poo go? Every other kid is swimming in this magical poop that is just gone. I look up and there is a girl with her mouth in the water just drinking it. I can't ... I start to gag. Can't handle it ....
I use a wipe but there is no poop to wipe up because its just .... well - its in the pool. I know he pooped. His diaper is brown and it smells like poop. And now - every other kid that is swimming in my sons feces, including my daughter.
2. The wet poop that likes to get out of the swim trunks asap
Another time - I change my son and all of a sudden a big turd just falls out of the swim diaper. One time I didn't even know it and stepped in it later. You think its the magical disappearing poop but its just a poop that likes to hop out and say surprise! These diapers are so thin and practically like newspaper around their junk - so needless to say - the poop doesn't stay in.
3. The sticky diarrhea everywhere poop
This one is by far the worst. Obviously... I mean there is so much poop but its not even liquid its like chocolate frosting that you smear all over a delicious cake. You don't even have enough wipes to get it all.
Ok - so swimming diapers suck .... But what about the cloth swimming diapers. Oh No! They are just as bad.... Maybe worse if you have a shits every minute type of kiddo like I do. Not really sure why I even put that one on him - Its amazing when he just pees and you also feel good about the environment for like a half a second.
So last time I put one on him ... I dealt with poop number 3. We were at a splash park - which doesn't even require a swim diaper if you know they are not gonna get all the way wet. But - I saw it, put it on and off we went.
I checked him after awhile and saw that massive poop staring up at me and I said - "Well shit." Yes. Yes it is shit. So I contemplate changing him the rest of the time we were there in my head. My wipes are in the car - we were running late and I forgot to throw them in my bag. So I look around for other moms that would have wipes - usually ones with just one kid because they always have their shit together. Now ... do I change him here or just wait to get to the car where my wipes are? I decide there because I have to clean out this cloth swim diaper which makes me mad that I put that one on him in the first place.
So I ask the mom behind me and she, of course as the unspoken code of mom - we have each others backs no matter what, opened up there wipes and says - "take as many as you need!" I should have grabbed the entire box and ran - but I decided to take two. Then I said, "Nope - one more!" We smiled at each other and I am off to the bathroom.
I lay him on the changing table .... First lets get something straight. My son is 2 1/2 years old - I was going to potty train him this summer but we are so on the go all the time - I am waiting. So these koala changing tables are not very big for the older not-so-potty-trained kids. Anyway - I take off his swim trunks. Now here is the issue. His cloth swim diaper is a little too small so its real hard to get off. So I decide to stand him up on the table to shimmy the diaper down .... easy .... easy .... He thinks he can help so he puts up one of his legs to get it out of the diaper but - GASP! Take it easy Deklan!! Well ... now he has poop on his leg and foot. So I do a speed round of getting this thing off, like ripping a band-aid off, and now I have it in my hand and remember, its like chocolate frosting all over the diaper. So I am holding up Deklan with my left hand and holding the shit frosting in the other .... so I throw it on the floor - Shit frosting side up.
I lay him back down but it was one of those shits that kind of went up his back .... So the table is now covered with a little bit of this shit frosting. I have THREE wipes to work with. First wipe ... I wipe his butt. Running out of wipe .... I flip it over to use the other side after folding the shit frosting in the wipe ... Still not great but got most of his butt. Second wipe ... I wipe up his leg that got poop on it - along with his foot ... NOPE feet that has shit all over them too. I am down to one more wipe and he still needs his creases wiped .... used that last wipe and it was still not great. Put his fresh diaper on - which has a little poop on the outside from the table. I quickly get his shorts on and put him down. The whole don't touch anything speech comes out and now I have a cloth diaper full of shit frosting on the floor and I have no idea what to do. I have an idea! I will wash them in the toilet! Nope ... bathroom with the table has pee in it along with a ton of toilet paper, and the other one was clogged with who knows what. I start to panic. What do I do? At this point - I think of just throwing the diaper away and just calling it a loss. No .... my dumbass decides to try to wash it in the sink. Nothing is coming off this diaper. It is caked on there. I get it closer to the faucet head - and ... some of the shit frosting comes off on the faucet!! NO!!! I rub the cloth diaper together and clumps of it comes off ... But its not going down the drain because its so thick. I quickly just keep going because at this point - its all going to be stuck in the sink because of the drain. And its the only sink in the bathroom. So there is no other option for people that want to wash their hands after their pee. So I throw the diaper back on the floor which is just a brown mess. I got most of the caked on shit but its like a C- type of job. I wash my hands. I go to the dryer and turn it on and realize my son is no where to be found ... Oh phew. There he is - but he is in one of the stalls. DEKLAN!! Remember my don't touch anything speech?! I get him out, put the diaper in his swim trunks and fold it up. I feel like I need to take 21 showers in a row. I leave the bathroom thanking the gods above me that no one came in after me, and if anyone did - I would put on an accent and pretend I am this kids nanny and I have no idea what I am doing. (Not that all nanny's would be like that - in fact they would be WAY better than me. Just saying ... wouldn't want to admit that I am the mom - and in fact I have been a mom for 4 years now)
I come out of the bathroom - admit this to my sister, but totally down play it. She asked why I didn't just use the toilets and I told her they were to gross - so instead I make a mud bath in the sink for the other people needing to wash up. It's totally fine. People make sure their kids shit is everywhere for others to enjoy. Damn. I am the worst.
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