Fournados are the absolute worst.

Its seriously the second week of summer and I have fought with my four year old more times than in her whole life. Why? Well ... she is four. She is a fournado. She wants to be independent but still needs to be watched because she will color the dog with blue markers when she is bored. She also thinks she knows everything already and has a way of doing things and if you do it wrong or different she will growl at you like a damn dog.

So what do I do? How do I punish this attitude?! When she was three - and went through that threenager stage - I thought ... ok, we can get through this but we are done with the attitude right? Wrong. Its an attitude that she knows what to say and how to say it that will push my buttons of the fucking limit. When I tell her to go to her room she yells back (and I mean yell) "I AM!!" It. Is. Exhausting.

I am going try these steps every day and actually do them correctly, but there are some days that when she says she doesn't like me, I say "good I don't like you either - nah nah na boo boo" ... And lets be real - here are some steps we take as moms that we are terrible at. Admit it.

1. Ignoring the behavior
The thing she hates the most is when I turn my back on her and ignore her stupid little tantrum. She then eventually says, "mommy?" in her cute little voice and then I can address her. But for the love of god I have to ignore her! Its so hard when I want to point in her face with my finger and say, "listen you little shit!!" but ... I don't, because remember - we are the adults. kind of. most of the time. we try.

2. Threaten to take away toys
Ok - who is with me? At least once a day I tell her I am going to sell her favorite toys. This really sucks when she knows I am totally bullshitting her. I seriously tell her that I will sell it or give it to a little girl that will share and listen. I even have said I will throw it in the trash. Now - this would work if I actually did it. But I don't. I tell her that I am going to take them away and then when she asks for it later on in the day I say "Sure!" In the moment of your irrational bullshit when you want to just punch her in the face, you say things that don't even make sense sometimes. One time I told her that we would never go to the park ever again. Why the fuck did I say that?! I NEED to go to the park so I can let them run around while I check my facebook feed. Empty threats get you no where but I still do them. Every damn day. 

3. Tell them that we are not going to do that fun activity you had planned.   
I do this all the time. Here is an actual example... She had a field trip to the zoo and she was being a little shit. So I told here that instead of going to the zoo with her friends that I was going to drop her off at Kids Club and she said, "Ok!" ... well fuck. That backfired. So I say, "No - you are not going to kids club Meme is coming over and I will take brother to the zoo and you have to stay home with her." Again, she says, "Ok! I want Meme." Come the fuck on. So I say, "NO! You're going to the zoo with your friends!!" We go to the zoo, she gets popcorn when I told her no and ice cream as well. The things you do to try to keep sane and to not have your little shit make a scene everywhere you go.

4. Tell them no TV or Ipad when they won't go to bed.
So they are being terrible and overtired and you just want ONE MINUTE to sit on the couch with your husband to watch something that is not animated. You are tired, they are more tired and you just want them to go to damn bed. Most moms have a schedule where every night you have a routine of baths, stories and bed. I applaud you ... I really do. I am just not that mom. I can't do it. I can't do hours of this crap when I have been doing it hours all day. My kids don't nap so for the love of god - just go to sleep when I tell you to!! We start at 8:00 to get to the rooms and read one story. But it turns into two and then jumping on the bed, and made up story that tell while the lights are on, jumping on the bed again, getting a glass of water, getting their favorite animal ... and then... it happens. She turns into a crack head to where she is talking a mile a minute, bouncing of the walls, kicking and screaming saying she does not want to go to bed... so here come the threats. No TV, no Ipad, no chocolate milk if she gets out of her bed. And who do we see at the top of the stairs? Well remember that movie orphan where that little girl just stands there and says nothing in her dress jammies and stares into your soul? Yep - That's my kid! So we tell her to get back in bed and we do this till about 9:00 where she finally passes out and we go to bed because we are too tired for anything. The next day, the TV is on and there is chocolate milk in her cup. (For the record - she has been SOOO much better going to bed. Lets see how long this lasts).

 

There are so many more that I cannot think of right now - mostly because they are trying to do American Ninja Warrior on the couch while I am typing this. Kids will be kids - but moms will be moms too. I am not the best parent around - you know, getting two dogs when my 2 year old hates them, telling the kids to stop crying because they are not bleeding ... but I keep my kids alive every day and that is something! I love those two little shits more than life itself and I would do anything and everything for them. I just wish there was some rule book that both the mom and kid would have a handshake and agree on. And I really wish I could write them up for their bad behavior and threaten to fire them. But I can't ... the are life long employees of mine and they are not going to get any big bonuses any time soon. Until they ask all cute and then I will probably get them something because that's what I do.