Bachelorette JOJO - episode 3

 

Bachelorette - episode 3 recap...

 

 

We start this week off with a video montage of guys asleep all over the place and the toilet paper that JOJO and Will decided to do is still all over the trees. There is an intern somewhere getting fired for not cleaning up. The house is a mess and there is meat everywhere from Creepy Chad's food binder. The cameras show that he is eating once again. Evan thinks he is a douche and a BLEEP. I know you can say "fine gentlemen" on air so pretty sure he said cock, asshole, fucker ... any of those will do. Black tank top Danny and Creepy Chad talk about what work outs they are going do and how much oatmeal should weigh. They cannot wait to bro it out later on.

 

 

CH comes in talking about how the dates and there are no rules - you can even punch a door and not get in trouble. He drops off the first date card and we are off!!

 

 

One on one

Colorado Chase

 

Ok ... its a yoga date. I hate these things only because I feel so awkward for them and I am just straight chilling in my family room and have nothing to do with these people but still feel like I need to hide behind a pillow.

The instructor chick asks them how long they have been intimate for and I say "Bullshit!" out loud. This chick has to know this is the bachelorette and this is the first date - am I right?! Of course they say they never have been and she acts all shocked.

She demonstrates a PT (pelvic thrust) that goes along with a weird "HEY!" chant. They do what they are told and again I am hiding behind my pillow. The next thing she demonstrates is a full blown 2 year old tantrum - which I think I would NAIL. I know those things so well that I am debating on getting on the floor and trying it. They say its an "anger-gasm" ... get it ... like an orgasm with anger. I have never been anger about an orgasm so this is just now confusing.

They go out to dinner - which I still have yet to see anyone eat dinner on these dates (I bet creepy chad would) ... and she gives him a rose followed by a predictable dance under the stars in front of a band that I think 15% of America would know. Nailed it again, ABC!

 

Group Date

Jordan

Matt

Wells

James F

Grant

Christian

Prince Ali

Black Tank Top Danny

Vinny

Nick

Evan

Short Alex

Creepy Chad

 

This is by far the worst date I have ever seen. It "sex talk" and not like Loveline with Dr. Drew back in the 90's. Its even more awkward and not really sure why JOJO wants to have them talk about their past sex life - but alas ... here we are.

Evan is excited because he deals with broken boners for his job back home so he thinks he is going to nail this one. Him and Short Alex decide to have Evan pick on Creepy Chad so this will be interesting since he is the second smallest dude in the house. (Wells - you get first prize!!)

They all go up one after another talking about their funny, weird, awkward sexual stories ... Although I cannot see anything because I am hiding behind my pillow again. Once its Evans turn - he talks about broken boners and steroid use. Creepy Chad looks like he is about to cut a bitch and his jaw is clearly clinched. Evan is kind of stupid for doing this honestly ... why bully the bully?! Now you're just as bad as the first bully... ugh. This is, again, hard to watch. Evan is getting to his seat, Creepy Chad pulls and rips his shirt - which is clearly from old navy because I have a ton of different colored short sleeve v-neck shirts.

Its Creepy Chads turn and JOJO totally disses him by turning her head when he tries to kiss her.

During the dinner/cocktail part - the dress code is a black leather coat. They all have conversations - Evan gives an ultimatum and its him or Creepy Chad so she decides to give the rose to Evan to prove that she wants him there.

 

Second One on one - 

 

Jamestaylor

 

They are all dressed up vintage and take some swing dancing lessons from Betty White ... Jamestaylor admits he cannot dance and he is spot on! He is terrible but damn he is having fun and I smile because at least he is trying unlike some husbands I know.... (mine!)

They talk into the night and he tells her that he was made fun of as a kid and she tells him that he is the whole package and I am starting to like him ... oh wait - fuck. Here comes the guitar.

She gives him a rose .... And he gives her his guitar pick.

 

 

At the mansion - Black Tank Top Danny breaks up with Creepy Chad telling him that he is Hitler... No wait ... Donald Trump and if he hangs out with him people will think they are both bullies and Black Tank Top Danny just wants to pump some iron. Creepy Chad is eating a raw sweet potato and lettuce so his mouth is too full to say much.

 

The next day - CH walks in telling them that there will be no cocktail party and just the final rose ceremony. But then he lets everyone know that JOJO will actually be swimming with them all day in her bikini so the dudes are excited.

 

Evan follows CH out and tells on Creepy Chad and that he is scared to be around him. There is even a security guard walking around now because everyone is scared - including The Office Jim Harpers Derek. CH goes back into the house to have a convo with Creepy Chad and lets him know that he needs to behave and to go back into the house to say his sorrys. CH realizes that his kids act better than this and wants to jump in the pool and never surface again.

 

Creepy Chad wishes he had a door to punch and is ready to fight some bitches! Evan is biting his nails hardcore because he realizes that Creepy Chad is not leaving - but actually coming back into the house for some blood.

 

AND ... cue the TO BE CONTINUED .....

 

 

 

 



Fournados are the absolute worst.

Its seriously the second week of summer and I have fought with my four year old more times than in her whole life. Why? Well ... she is four. She is a fournado. She wants to be independent but still needs to be watched because she will color the dog with blue markers when she is bored. She also thinks she knows everything already and has a way of doing things and if you do it wrong or different she will growl at you like a damn dog.

So what do I do? How do I punish this attitude?! When she was three - and went through that threenager stage - I thought ... ok, we can get through this but we are done with the attitude right? Wrong. Its an attitude that she knows what to say and how to say it that will push my buttons of the fucking limit. When I tell her to go to her room she yells back (and I mean yell) "I AM!!" It. Is. Exhausting.

I am going try these steps every day and actually do them correctly, but there are some days that when she says she doesn't like me, I say "good I don't like you either - nah nah na boo boo" ... And lets be real - here are some steps we take as moms that we are terrible at. Admit it.

1. Ignoring the behavior
The thing she hates the most is when I turn my back on her and ignore her stupid little tantrum. She then eventually says, "mommy?" in her cute little voice and then I can address her. But for the love of god I have to ignore her! Its so hard when I want to point in her face with my finger and say, "listen you little shit!!" but ... I don't, because remember - we are the adults. kind of. most of the time. we try.

2. Threaten to take away toys
Ok - who is with me? At least once a day I tell her I am going to sell her favorite toys. This really sucks when she knows I am totally bullshitting her. I seriously tell her that I will sell it or give it to a little girl that will share and listen. I even have said I will throw it in the trash. Now - this would work if I actually did it. But I don't. I tell her that I am going to take them away and then when she asks for it later on in the day I say "Sure!" In the moment of your irrational bullshit when you want to just punch her in the face, you say things that don't even make sense sometimes. One time I told her that we would never go to the park ever again. Why the fuck did I say that?! I NEED to go to the park so I can let them run around while I check my facebook feed. Empty threats get you no where but I still do them. Every damn day. 

3. Tell them that we are not going to do that fun activity you had planned.   
I do this all the time. Here is an actual example... She had a field trip to the zoo and she was being a little shit. So I told here that instead of going to the zoo with her friends that I was going to drop her off at Kids Club and she said, "Ok!" ... well fuck. That backfired. So I say, "No - you are not going to kids club Meme is coming over and I will take brother to the zoo and you have to stay home with her." Again, she says, "Ok! I want Meme." Come the fuck on. So I say, "NO! You're going to the zoo with your friends!!" We go to the zoo, she gets popcorn when I told her no and ice cream as well. The things you do to try to keep sane and to not have your little shit make a scene everywhere you go.

4. Tell them no TV or Ipad when they won't go to bed.
So they are being terrible and overtired and you just want ONE MINUTE to sit on the couch with your husband to watch something that is not animated. You are tired, they are more tired and you just want them to go to damn bed. Most moms have a schedule where every night you have a routine of baths, stories and bed. I applaud you ... I really do. I am just not that mom. I can't do it. I can't do hours of this crap when I have been doing it hours all day. My kids don't nap so for the love of god - just go to sleep when I tell you to!! We start at 8:00 to get to the rooms and read one story. But it turns into two and then jumping on the bed, and made up story that tell while the lights are on, jumping on the bed again, getting a glass of water, getting their favorite animal ... and then... it happens. She turns into a crack head to where she is talking a mile a minute, bouncing of the walls, kicking and screaming saying she does not want to go to bed... so here come the threats. No TV, no Ipad, no chocolate milk if she gets out of her bed. And who do we see at the top of the stairs? Well remember that movie orphan where that little girl just stands there and says nothing in her dress jammies and stares into your soul? Yep - That's my kid! So we tell her to get back in bed and we do this till about 9:00 where she finally passes out and we go to bed because we are too tired for anything. The next day, the TV is on and there is chocolate milk in her cup. (For the record - she has been SOOO much better going to bed. Lets see how long this lasts).

 

There are so many more that I cannot think of right now - mostly because they are trying to do American Ninja Warrior on the couch while I am typing this. Kids will be kids - but moms will be moms too. I am not the best parent around - you know, getting two dogs when my 2 year old hates them, telling the kids to stop crying because they are not bleeding ... but I keep my kids alive every day and that is something! I love those two little shits more than life itself and I would do anything and everything for them. I just wish there was some rule book that both the mom and kid would have a handshake and agree on. And I really wish I could write them up for their bad behavior and threaten to fire them. But I can't ... the are life long employees of mine and they are not going to get any big bonuses any time soon. Until they ask all cute and then I will probably get them something because that's what I do.

Bachelorette JOJO - Episode 2

I have been watching the bachelor and bachelorette for a long time now and I always have random thoughts in my head as I watch it so I decided to jot them down! I am starting with the second episode of season JOJO because I was on an airplane and my kids were actually calm and watching a movie so .... Here I am! Enjoy and this is the best way to catch up without having to watch all the drama unfold because sometimes its so awkward.... 

                                         

Bachelorette recap - second episode 

We start off with CH coming in and letting the guys know that it is a big week ... which, in reality every week is a big week. Is CH getting hotter the older he gets or is it just me? He leaves, the guys rattle off the names on the group date ... and we're off. 

1st group date - Firefighters 

Wells

Grant 

Luke

Evan

Will

Daniel 

Vinnie 

Prince Ali

James F 

Robby 

Guys hear a loud crash and go out to see a limo on fire. They all chuckle but nobody hops into action to make sure this is really fake. Well I guess since the producers are just standing around and the cameras are still going they think this is obviously a joke. Sure enough, a fire truck pulls up and JOJO hops out in a firefighter uniform - she's so hot and I love dudes. Like seriously - no chick is that cute. 

Guys cheer and I am pretty sure a lot of boners just popped up.

"That was a lot harder than I thought!" Wonder what she is talking about ...

The guys follow her after they hide all the boners and we are off on the first group date of the season!! 

**Meanwhile - back at the mansion creepy Chad is doing pull-ups with a suitcase full of muscle head bull shit - like protein powder, weights, and a mirror to tell himself how pretty he is. The guys see this and think he is totally bat shit crazy, which clearly he is but I am also impressed....** 

Back to the date - 

The guys pull up to a fire academy - Grant, whom is an actually firefighter has a huge boner because he is obviously gonna win. 

They all get in the gear and I am very happy about this date because nothing is hotter than a firefighter ... Except for Ryan Reynolds ... 

Wells at one point is probably gonna die from exhaustion - which makes for great tv. She gives him a nice cleavage shot so he can get back in the game. 

**Meanwhile back at the mansion it's a boy band concert and all of them except creepy Chad is singing a song about JOJO - which the lyrics are "JOJO" ... Cleaver. Real cleaver...**

Back on the date - 

The three guys that got picked for another challenge is 

Wells 

Grant 

Luke 

Obviously Grant wins. He is a fucking firefighter. He scoops up JOJO like a knight and he gets more time with her which really pisses everyone off but especially Luke who almost won that challenge. I think Wells is still on the first part of the challenge .... or maybe passed out somewhere. 

**Meanwhile back at the mansion the guys find out that "The office Jim Harper" Derek has the one on one ... Cue interviews of guys that are bummed it was not them.**

Back on the date - 

JOJO has mini one on ones ... Which we find out Wells is hilarious, Evan has kids and Luke is still bitter but was in the military so he gets a kitchen pass from everything. They have an amazing kiss and he thinks he is getting the rose. News flash - Wells gets the rose... And Luke thinks it's extremely frustrating ... 

One on one -

"The office Jim Harper" Derek 

JOJO is so excited about her one on one with Derek ...

The start off the date with "choices" which is the best idea for a date ever. Now ... If only I had a private jet ... And a lot of poster board spread out in the city. 

They first choose "sky" which takes them to two private jets - one says "north" and one says "south" .. They say "north" the guy with the "south" sign looks like he wants to cut a bitch. 

They are handsy on the airplane and they land, get in a limo that goes to the "golden gate bridge" ... They admitted that they have not been to San Fran which I find is bullshit. Who hasn't been there?! 

JOJO kisses "The office Jim Harper" Derek and he admits that there are fireworks when he looks at her.

**Meanwhile at the mansion - damnit. These douches are now all singing their one hit wonder "JOJO JOJO" and I want to stab myself in the eye.**

Creepy Chad and Daniel decide to get dressed alike in black wife beaters to prove that they are even more douchey than anyone thought before hand ... They complain about the boy band and how people might not being themselves .... And yet they are sitting there bro-ing it out with their douche tanks on. "Stay away from the nice guys!!!" Creepy Chad talks about how "a protein shake of the other dudes would be .... Like...have zero chance." Ok.... So like zero chance to beef JOJO up if she drinks it twice a day? #soconfused 

They high five each other because they love black tank tops and then cheers each other because they are total douche bags. 

The guys get another date card and the people on there are Jordan, Christian, nick, Jamestaylor, Alex, creepy Chad 

Three of them realize they don't have dates this week and creepy Chad reminds them that their lives have never been about JOJO and to man up. So he is still an asshole even after that commercial break.**

Back on the date - "The offices Jim Harper" Derek talks about his relationship from 3 years ago and how there was a girl and then another "person" was involved too... I am thinking three some!! Or it was another girl so girl on girl action. Right?! I mean he said another "person"...  Anyway - he is super cute but his teeth are weird. Are they too big? Is his mouth big?  what's happening  there?! Not as hot as real "The office Jim Harper"... 

She gives him a rose ... He accepted. Obviously. 

Group date number 2 ...

Jordan

Christian

Nick

Jamestaylor 

Alex

Creepy Chad 

The guys walk up to ESPN .... They walk through the bull pen trying to find JOJO and she is just chilling on set with Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley from Sports Nation talking basketball... The floor director tells them to be quite and if it were me, (that was once my job) I would have made a sign that says, "shut the fuck up and of you talk at all I will straight up punch your balls."  

JOJO starts talking b-ball which all the guys get another boner for her ... She is that chick that has everything a guy wants. 

She hugs all the guys trying not to run into their boners and the guys start a series of challenges. Jordan reminds us viewers that he is Aaron Rodgers brother, once again, and he is nervous about this power ranking because Marcellus hates QBs.... Remember guys - he plays professionally but no one knows who the fuck he is because when you hear Rodgers you think Aaron immediately. #littlebrotherissues 

They start off with a touchdown dance. Christian does a rodeo type thing with the rose, Alex pretend the rose is a gun and kills everyone (creepy), Jordan does some weird ass dance cowboy type thing ... All the other guys feel embarrassed for him...nick takes a pretend shower, and creepy Chad does a cartwheel and then grabs JOJO. I already hate every minute of this. 

Their next challenge is eye on the zone - classic game of spinning around a bat and then going down on one knee to purpose. This will be fun. Creepy Chad goes first- does a good job because he pretended that JOJO was a protein shake, Jordan goes and walks around like he is hammered (we sure he used to play football?)... All of them are having a terrible time doing this challenge and I want it to end immediately. Creepy Chad goes in and just asks if she will marry him, she says "done! That was easy" and then they argue already and he calls her naggy. What an ass. 

Next challenge is press conference and once again I kind of want to fast forward. All of them try to on her good side - jamestaylor even sings... Can we all talk about how terrible he is? I am sorry I just hate it when people sing on this show. Just me? Alrighty then. All the guys talk about how terrible Chad is - and then it's his turn and he is just stupid and needs to stop talking. 

They declare the winners from all challenges which really gets you no prize except to feel good about yourself that these two guys from SportsNation knows what your name it. 

Number 3 - Alex

Number 2 - creepy chad 

Number 1 - Jamestaylor 

This challenge was terrible. Anyway - the guys argue with Chad , blah blah blah....

She does the mini one on ones again and I realize how hot (but really short) Alex is. She talks to Jamestaylor and he reads her a poem. As long as he is not singing .... Wait .. is she crying?! Seriously JOJO?! Keep it together. 

Creepy Chad talks some more shit and then talks more shit to JOJO. Oh and his mom passed away 6 months ago which means he is in denial and cockiness is coming out instead of just being sad. Now I feel like an ass hole because all the shit I just said about him. Alas - he needs to figure his shit out!  

She gives the rose to Jamestaylor who I think cries. 

COCKtail party 

Creepy Chad steals the show and grabs one on one time before she evens sees the other guys ... It's a weird conversation and all the other guys are having beer sweats because creepy Chad is missing. 

All the guys are pissed that creepy Chad already got time with JOJO - and they all have a forced cheers with the COCKtails. The guys decide to take on creepy Chad like its a scene from "mean girls" and asked him why he did what he did. I notice that black tank top twin is with these guys so now I am confused on which side he is on... 

The guys don't really get an answer - but look at this! Black tank top stays with creepy Chad! Oh phew. 

Chase didn't get a date and makes it snow on their mini one on one - he is amazing and from Colorado so obviously he is one of my favs.

Creepy Chad is eating a shit ton of food ... He is getting food everywhere and admits that he didn't have his protein shake. Pretty sure he has eaten a whole baby cow at this point. He is gonna have meat sweats any second. Like seriously this is gross. You can hear him chewing!! Get this fucking kid a napkin! 

JOJO and Will are tee-peeing the mansion - the producers are saying "fuck you" under their breaths ... 

Creepy Chad tries to butt in a convo between her and Alex and this is the first time i have ever seen a bachelor/bachelorette say "can I have a minute?" Thank you JOJO!!! Once again proving she is the best. Can we talk about how short Alex is? 

Creepy Chad and JOJO talk and he talks about how he likes her ... And then they giggle and it's so awkward. 

The gang approaches creepy Chad again ... First about his eating habits then about his feelings about JOJO. Got to be honest - it was weird and might have to agree with creepy Chad on this. They are not really saying much to him. But he has black tank top on his side to talk to!

Evan talks to JOJO and I am still wondering if she knows that he helps dudes get boners ... Oh look who it is ... Creepy Chad! Alex cannot stand it at all - so he is gonna go check things out but he can't find a stool to stand on to actually see what is going on. Now he found creepy Chad and calls him a snake. Boom! Nailed it! Now creepy Chad wants to fight Alex and tells him he is gonna lose his teeth when he straight up gang punches him in the face. 

Rose ceremony 

Wait - is creepy Chad eating again?!

The guys that already have a rose -
"The office Jim Harper" Derek
Wells
Jamestaylor

The guys getting a rose are -

Short Alex 

Christian 

Robby 

Luke 

Chase 

Jordan 

Grant 

Prince Ali 

Black tank top Daniel

James F 

Nick

Vinny

Evan 

Creepy chad 

BOOM there you have it. Now you are all caught up and I kind of want to stab a pencil in my eye because this show is so awkward but so amazing at the same time.